Seclusion

Being so secluded up here by the North Pole, I find myself reflecting on so many different parts of my life and places I’ve lived, and the people I knew, and who I was. I often have insomnia up here just reflecting on all of this. It’s so much to think about. I’m not even that old. I wonder if old people go through this, reflecting on the many lives they’ve lived in their lifetime. Maybe it’s a product of moving around so much. Maybe it’s just this utter isolation living so far away from anything I’ve ever known. But these memories I have, they’re all so fascinating, I can hardly believe I’ve experienced so much in my life. Maybe I’m getting close to some unforeseen impending death, and these reflections are being shown to me to help me appreciate the life I’ve been given, so that I am easily able let go of it when my time comes to leave this body. I really wish I could just sleep sometimes though, my classes are so damn early, and I feel completely nonfunctional in them. But damn the things I remember, it’s addicting to look back. All these friends who truly liked and respected me. All these unbelievably beautiful girls I’ve loved. All the travels. So much wisdom I’ve been told over the years by anyone I was willing to listen to as a spiritual teacher. The different sceneries. The countries and cultures. The different jobs I’ve worked and the coworkers with whom I constantly joked with to help us cope with having to work all the time. All the different cities and towns I’ve lived in, and all the different apartments I’ve called home. I hope I’ve learned a lot and become wiser through all these experiences. I feel like I have so much more to learn from what I’ve already been through in my life. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with an incapacitating desire to go back to a certain place, almost always it’s places that are nearly impossible to get back to without somehow coming up with a ton of money just to go see something beautiful from my memories with my own eyes again. But I often feel this strange feeling that I can’t go back to anywhere I’ve lived and live there again. I’ve been back to visit some places I have lived, and always I was overcome with this strange depression feeling. Maybe it’s being overwhelmed with the feelings of depression I never really dealt with in those places. Or maybe it’s this feeling of going backwards. I’ve always moved forward, not running away, but exploring, always called to a new frontier. In my reflections I always come to the thought of how at that moment, in that memory, I never could have possibly imagined where my life has taken me to where I am now. I guess I’m just trying to make sense of it all, how the hell did I get here? Through everything. Maybe I’m already dead and these ponderings are just my way of trying to cope with my death. Anyway, thank you for any kindness you’ve felt like giving me over the years. It really had a lasting impact on me and I probably have thought of you lately and something we’ve experienced together. I hope you are well, and living in peace. 💚